My sister has always been the perfect one, and I have always been the fuck up. I will admit that since having my children I have been given much more credit by my family than I ever had before, but the fact still remians that Jessica is the perfect one and Abby is the fuck up. I have always been very aware and reminded of this throughtout my life in ways no matter how big or small, it was something that was just a given or known, sometimes spoken in such words, sometimes just subtly thrown out into the air for me to breathe in and absorb into my being and becoming a part of me the way that nicotine becomes a part of you when it is inhaled into the body over extended periods of time. No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work that damage is done and can never be 100% reversed. That being said, I will go into the part that will for sure get me into trouble.
Everyone who knows me knows how desperatly and badly I want to have another child and how that is not going to happen for me. Yes, unfortunatley the reason this will not happen for me is all because of my own free will and doing. My children are 17 months apart and my 2nd was a terrible baby. Needless to say I was stressed, tired, out of my mind and in no shape to be making any kind of life altering decisions, but did I? I sure did....I walked right into that Dr's office with my husband and watched as his Vasectomy was performed. Watched as my future hopes, dreams and livelihood were sliced, clipped and burned away from him in a matter of 30 minutes. This is very important for you to know because I have the perfect sister that will say to me "Hey, I told you not to have it done." and "Hey, it isn't my fault you can't have any more babies and I still can". I cannot recall my sister ever having made a bad decision...I mean a truly bad one. I, on the other hand, have made more than I care to count, and she will be the one of the first ones to throw them out there and in my face for me to chew on, remember, feel bad about & then bask in the fact that she herself is such a great level headed person who takes calculated risks and makes decisions only after weighing them out, blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong she loves me very much, but that love is very much conditionally based on the person I became once I had my children, and also very much based on the fact that she loves my children, therfore she loves me. This is what I believe to be true anyway, and I don't even have the energy to get into why! Either way, I hate to sound like a whiner and complainer but sometimes those old sibling rivalries and those old demons of growing up together get the best of us and take over.....this is definatley one of those times! I feel as though I have never measured up to my sister nor will I ever and I have accepted this, what I have not accepted is that she is going to take the one thing that I feel that I have done right, am damn good at, and definatley as good as her at and upstage me with it. I cannot be the person who lives with regret and I cannot be the person who holds a grudge, but damnit I want my 3rd, 4th, 5th (whatever the case may be) child. I want my chance, I want my turn to prove who I am & what I can do and be, I want my family for once to throw me in the category of my sister, instead of the one just below her, as always. So in all of my shame and embarrasment, yes I left my perfect sister, her perfect family, her perfect house and her perfect future last night got in my car and sobbed the entire way home. I cannot believe I cried when I should be happy, I cannot believe I cried when I have every reason to be grateful, I cannot believe I cried when I thought I had matured and grown past my jealousy and envy of my perfect sister (ha...guess not). I just plain cannot believe alot about last night, I do believe, however, that I cried so much that my eyes were swollen and my husband found the need to hug me (this is VERY rare!)I am happy deep down I really am, I will be more and more happy as time goes on, but I fear I will always look at my perfect sister, her perfect life and know that I will always be just the runner up, #2 or just plain the fuck up, just as I have always been.
well now. i am sure when i am compared to my sister i would come in a distant second. but ya know, i really don't give a fuck. i mean all i can do is be me, if that ain't good enough for anyone who judges me, fuck em.
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